The Long Haul
by jun3roo
Summary: Ciel feels as if she is being driven mad by her own thoughts. Alistair doesn't want to smother her, but is having a hard time watching her suffer from a distance. Will everything she's done, everything she's sacrificed, be worth it in the end?
1. Doubts

It had been two weeks since Ciel had used the Litany of Adralla to save the Circle Tower, and four days since they had saved Arl Eamon. After days of discussion with the Arl and time to recuperate, she decided they could delay no more. They must finish gathering an Army. In the three days they had been relaxing in bliss, how many villages had fallen to darkspawn? Guilt and anger began to drive her motivations. After everyone finished their supper that night, she instructed them to be ready to leave at dawn.

They began their trek to the Brecilian Forest that morning, the air was dense and everyone was slightly moody from lack up sleep. She heard others complaining about cumulative hangovers, and the need to leave Redcliffe so quickly. She felt as though Alistair had begun avoiding her too, he kept to himself and walked with a few feet between them. Even her faithful mabari, Vör, was avoiding her company. Were they all mad at her? Why? Ciel had suffered losses too. She did not ask to be dragged into this, to be forced into leading everyone. It was hard dealing with each day, how was she supposed to prepare for the future at the same time? Did everyone not realize what kind of responsibility they shared? _Did they not realize_ they couldn't delay anymore? The darkspawn were a threat that had to be dealt with immediately.

Hot and tired of irritating herself, Ciel decided to ignore the group and move to the front. She led the group in silence and walked along the path thumbing the hilt on her dagger, purposely losing herself in thought.

A while later Ciel heard footsteps coming closer, Wynne caught up with her.

"Warden, do you mind if you stop for a moment?" Wynne said breathless. She readjusted the grip on her staff and continued, "As you can see, I'm no spring chicken."

Ciel avoided her eyes, "Yes that's fine." She moved away and sat on the farthest rock from them she could find. She sat quietly and tried to tune everyone out as they took a small break. She hated stopping like this. Sitting still only made her think about how annoyed she was with everyone. After only a few minutes she'd had enough.

"Let's get moving." She called out to them as she fixed the straps on her pack. Nobody said a word as they started walking again.

She kept to the front and passed the time going over poison recipes in her head. After hours of straight walking, she finally noticed the sun was beginning to set. Where had the time gone? It felt like they hadn't gotten very far at all. Ciel pursed her lips and frowned. She must have really been in a foul mood, no one even bothered to tell her it was getting dark. She stopped and scanned the party behind her. Her eyes quickly found him. Zevran was next to Leliana carrying a few her things while she took a moment to sit and catch her breath.

"Zevran, hmm hmm," Her voice cracked, Ciel's throat and mouth were dry from not talking all day. Her hands found her water pouch, and she tried to clear her throat. "Zevran, run up ahead and find a good place to camp. Try to find someplace off the beaten path. Alistair and I need to be able to have the advantage if the darkspawn sense us."

He had only been gone a few minutes before he returned."There is a small spot on the river to the northeast. There is a fallen tree that leads to the other side with mountains behind the bank for good cover." Zevran said cheerfully as he dabbed his forehead off. His attitude threw Ciel off._Why is he being like this? Weren't they all mad at me?_, she thought incredulously. Ciel pushed the thought away quickly as it had come up.

"Excellent, how much farther is it?" Ciel asked briskly while taking a sip of water.

"Quite close, I assure you." Zevran replied. Ciel shot the group a quick apologetic expression and began to lead them to the spot Zevran marked on the map.

Once they began walking again, Ciel became lost in thought once more. She could no longer ignore the doubts slowly taking over her mind. Whatever was going on with her companions, it paled in comparison to the Landsmeet and the coming battle. All day it had been weighing heavily on her mind, keeping her distracted from everything. It felt as though Howe's and Logain's faces were burning holes in her brain. Ciel could not stop the flashbacks to her parents faces as she left them behind, drowning her regret and despair. Her house had fallen, she did not know how to reach her brother, nor did she have the time. There was no way around it, she'd been hopeless and lost. She felt manic, betrayed, unable to stop herself from thinking how much she's failed or will fail. She knew there were time constraints, and was struggling to convince herself they would be able to accomplish all they had set out to do.

Ciel suddenly realized she was not paying attention to where she walked. She had tripped three times in a row now, over rocks, roots, and finally, she tripped right into a bush. Unable to ignore this last incident, Alistair ran towards her to help pick her up. Before he could, Shale swiftly picked her up and placed Ciel on her shoulder.

"I have lost my patience. If **It** falls one more time _*sigh*_...Do remember that this is a one time deal, and I only do this because **It** looks so pathetic." Shale said exasperated, while Ciel looked embarrassed and nodded.

In truth, Alistair was becoming increasingly worried about her throughout these last few weeks. He thought about her constantly and as a result of confused feelings, he began distancing himself. He didn't want her to feel like she had someone hovering over her all the time, she was going through too much to be burdened by his feelings. Maybe time was what she needed to gather her thoughts. But the longer he kept his distance, it seemed like she'd only gotten worse.

He glanced over at her and Shale. She had readjusted, Ciel was leaning sideways to rest more comfortably on Shale's head. _She's so tired, even Shale could tell._, Alistair thought. _I can't keep doing this. Giving her space and watching from the side is not helping at all. I have to figure out how to talk to her somehow..._ He ran to catch up with Shale and Ciel. He wanted to say something, but the silence felt so definite he could not bring himself to break it. He trailed beside them silently for the rest of the way, trying to catch glimpses of Ciel's face. Once, he thought he saw Ciel peer over Shale to look at him, but his eyes must have been playing tricks on him.

_He probably saw me_, she panicked. _I've been awful to be around these past two days. I thought for sure I had put him off._ She paused and tried to look at him again, _I never meant to be this way...it's just hard...keeping my sane.. There's so much riding on my every move._ She sighed and looked back at the path in front of them. Just over the ridge she saw the fallen tree over the river Zevran had described.

Finally, they had arrived. She was actually rather glad too, riding on Shale's shoulder wasn't the best experience, and hadn't been terribly comfortable. However it did save her from potentially tripping and embarrassing herself again. She quickly thought of her bedroll and how comfortable it would feel tonight. Shale carefully lifted Ciel off her shoulder and placed her on the ground. Ciel stretched, took a deep breath of the crisp mountain air and looked around. Even in her bad mood, she couldn't help herself from thinking that this was a the perfect place to camp. There was quite a large bank for them all to stretch out on, they had an enormous mountain behind them, fresh water in front, and beautiful willow trees providing shade for them in the setting sun. Once everyone had taken a moment to rest and refresh themselves, spirits seemed to lighten dramatically.

While sitting on a mossy log, Ciel finally had time to calm down and think about how she had been acting all day. She was starting to feel guilty for driving them so hard, walking with very few breaks, not to mention her short answers and bad attitude. At the same time, she really was in a hurry to get to the Brecilian Forest. Everywhere they had been so far to gather alliances involved some sort of catch to gain their help. She learned enough by now to not be fool enough to think that the Dalish would be ready right away. _I can't just keep thinking about these things. I need to apologize. I need to explain myself to them._ She stood back up and walked toward the bank. Slowly, she put her hands in the river and brought the water to her face. The coolness of the water seemed to calm her thoughts down at once. She brought the water up again and splashed it so that it soaked her hair and her under armor tunic.

She looked around once more and saw everyone was settling in nicely. Wynne and Leliana were foraging and cooing over a nest of baby birds they found. Morriagan found a patch of soft moss and was sitting by herself reading Flemth's grimoire. Sten, Oghren and Zevran were uncharacteristically working together setting up the tents. All the while, Oghren was trying to convince Sten and Zevran to go into town with him to buy some ale. Shale was standing under the largest willow tree looking up into its branches for pigeons to crush. Bodahn and his son Sandal were building a fire next to their caravan. Vör was tagging along with Sandal, carrying large sticks in her mouth while drooling everywhere. Hyper and always ready to keep traveling, Bodahn gave Vör a bone to keep her occupied.

Ciel tried to be sneaky as she looked around for Alistair. He wasn't with any of the others. She turned back to face the water and sighed. _He probably is avoiding me..._ She picked up the biggest rock around her and threw it in the water. _I'm such a brat. Why can't I just deal with all this, instead of pouting and acting like I'm the only one who's having a hard time?_ Suddenly there was a large splash right in front of where she threw her rock. She stood up quickly and turned around.

"So why are we throwing rocks in the river?" Alistair asked as he walked up to her.

He looked her full in the face for the first time that day. Surprise and pity washed over him. Ciel's bright brown eyes looked dim now. They had become swollen and red with dark circles underneath. Her once delicate cheekbones were beginning to stick out and the effect made her look ill. This was not the girl he first met at Ostagar. Whatever hope and life she had left was far below her hollow shell exterior. She looked so tired, and he knew the curse of Grey Warden nightmares would not grant her a peaceful sleep.

"Um...I...we're not. I don't know.." Ciel trailed off looking abashed.

It was clear neither knew what to say. Instead, Alistair motioned with his hand and began leading her down the river bank.

_Now's your chance, idiot! Be nice! Say something!_ Alistair thought manically as he looked over at her. _How do I comfort her? What if I make things worse? I can't stand by and watch her go mad like this anymore. She's falling apart. _He quietly sighed and could bring himself to look away, truly grateful she was looking in a different direction.

_How do I apologize to him? Why am I like this?..._ Ciel thought sadly. She felt his eyes on her face again, but couldn't bring herself to meet them.


	2. I Can Do Both

They had been walking together in silence for a while now. Every time Alistair thought of something to say, every ounce of courage washed out of him. Deciding it would just be better for things to happen naturally, he reminded himself to just be glad they had time alone together. It had been a long time since it was just the two of them traveling together. They kept walking until the camp was no longer visible and the chatter from their companions sounded distant and quiet. Ciel kept her distance and walked about a foot away from him, keeping her eyes focused on anything but him. He could tell she was avoiding him and surprisingly, it hurt him more than he thought it would. _I've had enough. This silence is enough to drive me insane._ Alistair thought annoyed.

"Just look at that river! It's been a while since we've camped beside such clear blue waters." Alistair said with a bit too much forced cheer in his voice. He glanced over at her. She was no longer looking at the river and her expression showed mild confusion. He immediately regretted his pitiful first attempt at conversation.

"It is rather nice." Ciel confirmed in a small voice. Relief washed over Alistair, but before he had time to continue she beat him to it. "Alistair, I know it hasn't been easy lately...I've not...I..."

He watched her struggle and any feelings of annoyance he'd had earlier, disappeared. He did not know what to say. He had meant to start this uneasy conversation. Alistair so meant to take some of the pressure off, but clearly, he'd waited too long.

"Alistair. I'm sorry. There's so much...pressure." Ciel stopped walking and hung her head.

"No, Ciel, it's my..."Alistair begain.

She cut him off, "It's hard keeping myself together. I know I've been awful to you, to everyone, over the past few weeks. Every battle gets harder than the last. I can see the exhaustion in everyone. I wasn't meant to lead these people. I'm only driving everyone into the ground." Her voice broke on the last word.

Alistair had guessed right. The burden she carried was too much for her to bear. Ciel crouched on the ground and held her knees. She couldn't hide her weariness anymore, she hid her face in her arms and sighed. He crouched down beside her and using what little courage he'd mustered, he put his hand lightly on her back. She didn't push him away, or make any movement for that matter, so he took this as a good sign to carry on. Alistair grabbed the small leather pouch that hung on his hip and gently opened it.

"Here, look at this." Alistair said quietly. She lifted up her head and looked at him. His right arm was resting firmly on her back and in his right hand was a small red rose. He continued, "Do you know what this means?"

Ciel's throat suddenly felt very dry.

"I picked it in Lothering. I remember thinking, 'How could something so beautiful exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness?' I..." Alistair seemed determined and was speaking rather eloquently now. Ciel couldn't help but stare at him, she had not known him to be so serious. " I probably should have left it alone, but I couldn't. The darkspawn would come and their taint would just destroy it. So I've had it ever since."

He twirled the rose between him fingers and thought for a moment. He found her left hand and gently put the rose in it., "I thought that I might... give it to you, actually. In a lot of ways, I think the same thing when I look at you."

"I- I don't know what to say..." Ciel struggled with the words, he had caught her completely off guard. She examined the rose, it was small and delicate. Even though Alistair had picked it long ago, the rose refused to give up its life. The petals were like velvet, and the scent intoxicated her, taking her back to a simpler time. Her lips formed a soft smile, "It's beautiful."

"I'm glad you like it. I guess it's a bit silly, isn't it? I just thought... here I am doing all this complaining, and you haven't exactly been having a good time of it yourself. You've had none of the good experience of being a Grey Warden since your Joining, not a word of thanks or congratulations. It's all been death and fighting and tragedy." Alistair looked into her brown eyes. He could not read her expression, he sighed, "I thought maybe I could say something. Tell you what a rare and wonderful thing you are to find amidst all this... darkness."

"Why are you telling me this?" She asked not breaking eye contact. Her bewildered tone told Alistair she had no idea what was going on.

"What else can I do? Write a poem? Pull your hair?" Alistair tensed up and asked slightly defensively. "I just saw the rose and... I suppose I did it on impulse. Was it the wrong one?"

"No! I'm sorry... I just-" Ciel looked alarmed, she put her right hand on his arm. "I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. This is the first time anyone has said anything like that to me. I had no idea you..." She trailed off looking very embarrassed.

"After Ostogar, I saw you differently. You weren't just an angry little girl seeking revenge anymore. You held yourself differently, battle hardened you and betrayal forced you to grow up." Alistair was talking quickly now. Everything he'd been wanting to say but had been bottling up was now flowing out effortlessly, "Responsibility and honor to the Grey Wardens lead us to where we are now. Without you, I never would have made it past Lothering... I felt like we began growing close after we'd gone to Denerim the first time. But you were so busy every hour, every day, it seemed everyone needed your attention. Without consciously realizing it, I started to need you too. I don't know how all this works. You need to know that. Ii didn't know what to do. I felt selfish and childish for wanting you to myself. I felt angry at myself for having these feelings."

"Alistair..." Ciel whispered, he cut her off.

"I should have brought this up ages ago. Though it seemed like I could never find the time. The more we traveled, the more your health deteriorated. Things are grave for us now. A lot rides on gaining the last of the alliances. The Blight is forever upon us, creeping further north and taking out villages one by one. Howe and Loghain's schemes and treachery... I had no right to burden you further with my feelings." Alistair finally realized her hand was resting on his arm. He paused and took a minute to breathe, the warmth of her hand enveloped him. "These last few weeks have been the hardest. I would not be selfish. I would not pursue you. I would just let you be, and keep my distance. Once we'd defeated the Archdemon, we would go our separate ways. Then all this mess with the Landsmeet started. Arl Eamon plans to put me on the throne. I do not want to rule. i did not ask for that responsibility. The feelings I had for you, but pushed away, were back. I felt desperate and manic. I dreamt of waking you in the middle of the night to run far away as possible, away from all this. Damn the throne! Damn the Blight! Damn the Grey Wardens! Damn them all!"

"But you did not." Ciel said flatly looking at the ground.

"No, I didn't." He said proudly. "Do you want to know why?" Ciel nodded. "I did not leave because of your influence. You would never run. You have lost and sacrificed more than most. Yet here you are, still fighting, still pushing forward even though its obvious every fiber of your being is begging you to quit. I have been thinking a lot since we left Eamon's Estate and I've made a decision."

Alistair stood and pulled Ciel up with him. He took the rose from her hand and weaved the stem in and out of the neck of her shirt so that the rose blossom rested on her collar bone. He grabbed both of her hands, put them on his chest and said, "I have decided, Ciel, that I will not deny myself what little happiness this world has left to offer. If we must fight to the end, let us fight beside each other. I do not see a future without you. I will not choose between love and responsibility. I can do both."

"We can...do both?" Ciel asked uncertainly while her eyes studying him.

"Yes. You do not need to feel such despair anymore. You will not carry this burden alone. I will always be right here. Right beside you, sharing every victory and defeat." Alistair's voice was gruff, "Do you think you would want such a life with me? We can't know if we'll defeat the Archdemon, and we can't know if we'll always make it through the night. But I do know, that every day I spend with you, knowing you feel the same, will make the rest of the time we have together, worth it."

He looked down into her eyes, she was still studying him. He would give her a moment to think and wait for her to talk. He passed the moment by memorizing her face, just in case she says no, he would always remember what she looked like standing this close to him. Her eyes seemed brighter, there was a small fire in her pupils that he hadn't seen in a long time. Even her cheeks were flushed with color, rosy spots on each cheekbone. Her lips were-

Suddenly she was up on her tiptoes kissing him. She had one hand on his face and on his chest. He tasted sweet and sincere.

_He's right,_ she thought, _We can do both._


End file.
